Keep it in the oven

You know when you are baking things without directions, how you tend to use smell more? I heard a guy tell un a class how his wife was the best cook in the whole world. She KNEW things were proper by smell. Sometimes people use thermometers or toothpicks, etc. We all want to judge the readiness.

I applied this in a strange way to my life. I was thinking about things I wanted and how they needed to be cooked properly, and Sure I always wished I could get what I want RIGHT NOW, because the oven is a bit difficult. But, I want to be ready to comeout, and if I had the thing I want too soon, I would not have been happy.

Everyday, I am learning key things that serve to make me glad that I did not get that wish yet.

I was so mad at Jane Eyre when I was younger cause she was so stupid and left Mr. Rochester when obviously they were in love. But, now, I see the sense of it. She was much wiser than I could even comprehend yet.

Likewise, I was irate with Anne Shirley when she did not marry the Harris dude, but, I learned another thing there, too.

Line upon line. We are different people than we were yesterday even.And I just grasped the thing many already knew, that it is not over yet, and I would rather endure and be done properly than get what I want RIGHT NOW.

If you followed that thought then this one will make sense, if not, sorry. This was such a cool thing that I want to remember.

We were talking about how we actually do believe that we have a purpose to live here. We had that purpose before we got our bodies and we would have it until we actually reached that "end". Hah. Now, I can answer the question what is that end we are supposed to endure to.

A person had genuine questions about this becoming like God thing. And, one helpful answer was that every parent hopes their child grows up to be like them. We provide opportunities and encourage it actually. Similarly, trying to become like God is now is not blasphemous it is exaltation.

"Be ye therefore perfect...." often, we are told the word perfect means complete. So, to be finished we need more time in the oven, right?

Really?

We talk about things as we are, as if that is the real manner of things. It is no wonder that sometimes we call it truth when really it is nothing more than a highly educated guess.

I notice it in classes where things are carefully discussed in their simplest form. They cannot be misunderstood that way, milk before meat and all.

Eventually, the diet must expand to support more, "we are grown men. We are expected to live on such portions?"

Even metaphors only work because we can understand things one way.

Music in church

Ok, I am doing some serious reconsidering here. All along, I assumed the thoughts I refused to accept, or did not want to, were just too much, but no matter what I did they consumed me nearly to the point where I decided not to enable, no that's not the word...I cannot think of the word, but enable will work, anyhow I wanted to remove even any outside influence so I would only have good and trusted thoughts, and so I stopped all social media sites, and internet radio stations but, I just found myself writting songs and listening to what I thought was good. The trouble with that plan is that others are deciding what is good so you sort of end up with hand me downs, but if you listen to things without them being censored first, you get to decide what to think, but you risk wrong music.

I must interject here that one of my delusions that I am fighting so hard is a grand story that I created and every song fits, but I have learned that delusion is the starting place of insanity. And though I cannot disprove this story in any degree in fact.  It is constantly supported. I recognize that no one else (outside my fabricated reality) would ever even naturally believe this. I have searched to see if I was alone in thinking this story ever actually was...interestingly, I found that many many similar stories are whole heartedly believed.

So, I decided that to be believed by others is no proof of truth. Much like the Children of Israel wandering in the desert for 40 years. Things are believed as true because they are validated by so many believers. Consequently, it has to be true.

To play it safe, I just stopped anything that had not been predetermined to be uplifting (considered Godly). Then, it was odd to me foremost that the thoughts that I assumed came from an external source were the same ones flooding my mind even when in a sacred place. So not to sound like a riddle, I will explain. I fasted and decided to ponder in the temple (where I felt my thoughts would be pure and protected). Surely, those thoughts would be trusted and good. Good in good out...

I did not like what was comming out so the best way to cure that was to only let the best in. This was my scientific method for determining the source of the thoughts, or so I thought... Is that my trouble? Like "A Beautiful Mind"... if the contaminated part is my mind, then even removing further nurture the seed remains...

(Pause to consider a story I recently read about bad seeds. Well, yeah, they exist as surely as good ones. There are wheat and there are tares. They grow, almost indistinguishable at first, together. When it is too dangerous to weed or just stop nurturing any. The good might be killed along with the bad. So, my idea of only allowing nourishment that would be acceptable to the one will not actually work... Um, those dots indicate my ability to inform that my ideas go much deeper but, what has been typed will suffice).

Then, in church it was almost uncanny how many people quoted lyrics from songs they recently had heard. It was like there was a message that I was going to get somehow, if I stopped listening to music, then others would speak about the wisdom from songs.

A good friend also explained that music is like air to me. Music is necessary to maintain my life. So in attempting to purify myself, removing music altogether is really not an option.

Bach in the Bible

I was thinking again about if I wrote a scripture I would include a special few stories that I adore from the Bible. One such story is Bach, um I mean Joseph. Same story, Johan Sebastian Bach had a story that I heard in music class when I was very young and it made the greatest impression on me. So, that I actually said, "I am going to be a composer, too." which is a very queer thing for a kid to even think. But, years later, I still want to be a composer more than anything else besides being a mother.

Ok, now it is time to tell the story of the boy who fatefully was punished and though things looked bleak, he was able to turn it into a most incredible opportunity. Wait. Who am I talking about? Bach, ofcourse.

His father forbid him from playing music, so he took music and copied each by hand thereby learning a lot. He did this by sneaking to an attic by candlelight when the household was asleep. He also wrapped up the strings on an old keyboard to practice unheard. I saw a similar episode of Bones called Prodigy where someone was forbidden to play, so he collected stones to make a faux or practice keyboard.

It reminds me of the time I worked at the Bon Marche' in Tukwilla, WA. Everyone was sales motivated, so the cash registers kept the record of who made the most sales. I was least senior, so I was often given dressing room duty. Though, it was an attempt to keep me off of the register, which would make them look better, it back fired. From putting away all of the clothes that people liked well enough to try on, I learned where and what our inventory was. So when high profile customers came in, I was able to truly help them and it was reported to my managers. At the time I was studying Joseph, the son of Jacob, in the old testiment, and as a descendant I saw similar situations and expected similar blessings in my life and so I drew the paralell to being sold into Egypt as a servant actually being an opportunity.

This morning I thought I bet Bach was also deserving of such a reward as he ended up blessed with such a great understanding of the workings of each note in the chorale, for instance.
Both Bach and Joseph taught a great principle through the way they chose to live when given a difficulty. I loved a quote that drips with this idea.

 “Success is determined not by whether or not you face obstacles, but by your reaction to them. And if you look at these obstacles as a containing fence, they become your excuse for failure. If you look at them as a hurdle, each one strengthens you for the next.”

― Ben Carson                   
"

Monkey

When everything reminds you of something, it is probably your frame of mind. I heard a song that reminded me of curious George that reminded me of a timein aural theory that my teacher had to get up and close the door cause Matt was in the hall screaming "Just give me the key then! Unlock my monkey!" Cause I found a key to lock the piano lid so no one could practice on 'my' piano. Um, it was not really mine. And Matt used to always use that room, forcing me to use another. And on accident, I locked a tiny plastic monkey of his in the piano. No, it was not Great Scott, he came years later. This was all monkey business. Now, was that intended? Now my thoughts are filled with the time LeAnne and I dared eachother to go speak to that guy sipping earl grey reading an encyclopedia.

Loco? coco

I suppose my type of mental illness can only be blanketed by the term crazy because, it has not been recognized or even seen as an illness. But, to me, I have known the difference, and my mind runs like a faulty memory stick, it is running much slower than it did.

I was watching Chuggington and was comparing my mind troubles with the speed of the locomotives. There was one who was teased because he was slow and then he ended up being the hero and being plenty fast enough. Cone to realize he was just very cautious and often that slows one down. In a workday where speed is rewarded as better those who spend extra time thinking about something are seen as annoying and a bother, but through this cartoon I saw that my blinders or speedbump was forcing me to take note of things I might have been oblivious to.

I am reminded of a farside comic where a cow is sitting budah style n a grassy knoll saying something like "Throughout life's ups and downs, don't forget to stop and eat the roses."

The thing I realized is that society is moving towards speed and missing some very important things. Anyone can see that by examining fast food vs. what is best for man to consume.

The pebble

It is driving me crazy. Joseph has a pebble that is small and smooth but he protects it dearly, I don't know why. He took it out of his shoe, and was excited to show it to me.