Ok, I am doing some serious reconsidering here. All along, I assumed the thoughts I refused to accept, or did not want to, were just too much, but no matter what I did they consumed me nearly to the point where I decided not to enable, no that's not the word...I cannot think of the word, but enable will work, anyhow I wanted to remove even any outside influence so I would only have good and trusted thoughts, and so I stopped all social media sites, and internet radio stations but, I just found myself writting songs and listening to what I thought was good. The trouble with that plan is that others are deciding what is good so you sort of end up with hand me downs, but if you listen to things without them being censored first, you get to decide what to think, but you risk wrong music.
I must interject here that one of my delusions that I am fighting so hard is a grand story that I created and every song fits, but I have learned that delusion is the starting place of insanity. And though I cannot disprove this story in any degree in fact. It is constantly supported. I recognize that no one else (outside my fabricated reality) would ever even naturally believe this. I have searched to see if I was alone in thinking this story ever actually was...interestingly, I found that many many similar stories are whole heartedly believed.
So, I decided that to be believed by others is no proof of truth. Much like the Children of Israel wandering in the desert for 40 years. Things are believed as true because they are validated by so many believers. Consequently, it has to be true.
To play it safe, I just stopped anything that had not been predetermined to be uplifting (considered Godly). Then, it was odd to me foremost that the thoughts that I assumed came from an external source were the same ones flooding my mind even when in a sacred place. So not to sound like a riddle, I will explain. I fasted and decided to ponder in the temple (where I felt my thoughts would be pure and protected). Surely, those thoughts would be trusted and good. Good in good out...
I did not like what was comming out so the best way to cure that was to only let the best in. This was my scientific method for determining the source of the thoughts, or so I thought... Is that my trouble? Like "A Beautiful Mind"... if the contaminated part is my mind, then even removing further nurture the seed remains...
(Pause to consider a story I recently read about bad seeds. Well, yeah, they exist as surely as good ones. There are wheat and there are tares. They grow, almost indistinguishable at first, together. When it is too dangerous to weed or just stop nurturing any. The good might be killed along with the bad. So, my idea of only allowing nourishment that would be acceptable to the one will not actually work... Um, those dots indicate my ability to inform that my ideas go much deeper but, what has been typed will suffice).
Then, in church it was almost uncanny how many people quoted lyrics from songs they recently had heard. It was like there was a message that I was going to get somehow, if I stopped listening to music, then others would speak about the wisdom from songs.
A good friend also explained that music is like air to me. Music is necessary to maintain my life. So in attempting to purify myself, removing music altogether is really not an option.
