This just happened

I have to write this down, but have nowhere to put it or anyone to say it to.

I rewatched the movie I was going to watch closely. I saw many actors and actresses I had seen before, like an old lady (mom) in Brigham City, and Darin Southam or Ephraim Hanks, but the main character was such a dead ringer for Henry Ian Cusak. I thoughy, man he even sounds like him. I bet he heard that alot. He plays and LDS Bishop but there were a few camera shots and lines that lead me to believe it was not mormon cinema afterall. But I thought, how funny to imagine Desmond from Lost being the guy who could be lost. It was based on a true story and I really liked it, but thought sort of critically that is wasn't blatently LDS or anything. Then, the credits ran and who played the main character? Henry Ian Cusak! I always really liked his.... je ne se qua, something I can not put my finger on. It is a same thing Orlando Bloom exudes, too. I just know there is something about them I like.

Humility and repentance

Sure we all know what humility is. How humbling is it to admit an error and ask for forgiveness? I realized tonight that it was almost too humiliating in some cases.

I was praying and in that prayer, I fully with no attempt to change how things appeared, sort of making no excuses for how things really are, explained my distaste for my current situation and I knew that Jesus Christ was on my side and he would even know how to make my plight presentable, I was sure of that. But, as I was trying to "listen" for a reply and sort of communicate instead of just rant about how bad I messed up and it needed to be right... I thought the exact same thing I thought prior to laying down tonight... "why not read a conference article and let those precepts work on my perception?" So, I did, and as I began reading I pretended this was God actually speaking back to me specifically about the things I had been complaining about, and an idea caused me to pause. The idea is capsulated in this quote: "Repentance isn't his back-up plan in the event that we might fail. Repentance is his plan... It will be a lifetime cirriculum."

Then later "This obvious truth isn't meant to insult your intelligence..." This was said about how things that change do not stay the same...

There are several cases that are used to explain the principle of growth through failure. Thomas Edison, Babe Ruth, I could go on, even the story we are currently studying in the Old Testament (Joseph in Egypt) suggest failure is eminent, it is part of the process of growth.
I really like a scene from the movie Shadowlands where C.S.Lewis and his Bride find their dream to be much less than they hoped for as in the painting it was sunny and Gold but the name was improperly translated and was not the golden valley, but the valley of rain and it rained on them. His wife mentions that the happiness now is part of the suffering then ( as she was in remission from a terminal illness ) answering the reason for pain. And that is EXACTLY what the atonement does for us. We will fail, but because we have a savior we can feel enabled to not fear but move through failure to find success.
Similarly, and I do not think that I am an exception here, I learn best through the taking of tests and answering incorrectly. This is how I was able to learn Microsoft Operating Systems so quickly. I was not afraid to fail tests, but anxiously took and retook and retook until I could easily answer any question acceptably and I knew that I could, so taking the actual tests, I had absolutely no fear whatsoever even though I did not actually know what would be asked.

It has gnawed at my mind at a particular assesment of my person, because it was so completely different from how I saw myself. This individual commented that I was sooooo humble. I knew that I was quite the contrary, but often try to consider why I would appear so. Then that whisper struck again. It suggested that if I were truly humble then I would not find any situation embarrassing to enter if it meant correcting what was wrong. This reminds me of my appearance. I absolutely am soo embarrassed about how I look, but I am enduring it as a way to achieve what I really want. Well, isn't that the exact situation I am in, admitting I failed is a step towards what I want and wanted all along, but it would be publically admitting a failure and a repeated failure is even more humiliating, cause one ought to know better by now, but that is not what the atonement is for. Jesus may have said, "Go and sin no more.", but I am practically positive that he would be the first to forgive all over again even if it was a repeat sin. Often, I know I should not do a thing, and my progress in is more important than my perfection of a skill. I recently figured this out regarding feeling like a failure because I kept doing a thing I had been told not to do. But, I realized it instantly after I did it each time, and that was not success, but it was improvement.

We are asked to forgive everything 70 tines 7. I was watching a video about a man who forgave a driver who broke the law and by so doing killed his pregnant wife, and children. I need to watch it all with my new insight (cause that is one way I truly learn things: by watching a video).

I have a strange idea that if we know a law we will not break it. And we should not, but if we do we will be forgiven... should I talk about death bed repentance? That might really insult anyone's intelligence, then again, many believe that if you are saved that is it, the end, it is called amazing grace, and it truly is amazing, but is not as simple as just being forgiven. Who you are when you die will be who you are after death, same strengths and weaknesses, there is no progress in merely erasing any sin. Being clean is important, but improvement is just as essential. I mean, why go through an ordeal that will surely cause you to become unable to be with one you love dearly. There MUST be a reason for hardship and temptation.

Last thing, then, I must go to sleep. In a temple prep class I took in Hendersonville, TN the teacher drew a stick figure on the chalk board and it was walking on a line there were only 2 directions a man could possibly go (I used this notion in determining the usefulness of a spouse, too). So, if time did actually not exist and we had forever then our only real choice was to decide which way to go and progress. It did not matter how soon we reached our goal only that we were heading towards it. That is what I often confront Nick about. He appears to not have progressed at all towards our intended goal. Is this merely my perspective or has he chosen a different goal? I honestly do not know. I do know that if there is no time I can wait if our goals are the same.  I will not confuse speed with direction. But, tonight, I was strongly impressed that perhaps I am progressing in my realization that direction is not everything as I had supposed, but dare I admit that?

I'm tired

I do not think people notice

I was about to tell about a thing, a blessing, that happened in my life and I interpretted what happened to be a consequence of a good choice, and thought I would classify it as a miracle, but that is because that is how I have been prepared to understand such happenings. There is an undeniable principle that can be defined by it's constant results, but many people must note of such happenings, but fail to see them as a miracle because they are not at that level of comprehending the world around them.

Ok, ok.

So, what happened was that I made a choice already to not spend money that I do not have. So, when the temptation became very strong to borrow to buy a thing. I needed to simply remember my choice and stick to it. I did. This meant that I would not be able to afford a plane ticket home whoch I desired above anything else. Then, instantly, my mom phoned me to tell me that the reunion woukd be put off for a year. This was unexpected, but seemed like a miracle. Many people would call it a coincidence, a totally unrelated one, but, one by one, things happened that denoted that I had chosen correctly.

To me, it seems as if because I had chosen to stick by a choice ( which was taught as a true principle) that things were a result, and although my life seemed to fall apart according to what I wanted, my perspective saw it as a miracle, there was nothing to miss afterall.

Again, I had a way to accomplish my desires, yet I now could face them not just hoping for the best, but faithfully expecting something better than my plan if I accepted that I simply could not buy a thing YET.

This seems a straightforward way of thinking when I taught a class that we need to resolve to choose the right before even placed in a situation. I likened it to promising not to do drugs before even asked, but it fots my situation perfectly, and although I did not call it a testimony, I told them that I had decided not to spend money that I did not have.

But, wait, what about a home? I suppose each has his own lessons to apply and learn, but it seems to me that our eternal salvation does not rely on buying a home, and maybe that system is wrong and only works because everyone choses to abide it. That was never my intent to discuss even. I am just still full of the notion that we do not need to have things before we can afford them, and altjough such a choice will be tested in countless ways, a choice HAS been made, an need not be made again